Funny Stuff

[Mrs.S]

A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"
He lost 63 pounds that week.

[Mrs.S]

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

[StoneTheCrow]

Originally Posted by Mrs.S A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me." Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!" He lost 63 pounds that week.

LOL Funny shit

[Bleed]

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.
He travelled up to Alaska , spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see
a big black bear.

The black bear said,
' That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I ' m going to give
you two choices.

Either I maul you to death or we have sex. ' After considering briefly,
Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.

So the black bear had his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for
two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear
and shot it dead.

Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

The grizzly said, ' That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin
and you ' ve got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have
'rough sex. '

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear
than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.

Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and
managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.


He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is
shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said,

'Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you? '

[StoneTheCrow]

LoL Frank is in luvers with teh bear sects.

[Bleed]

A woman walks into a pet shop hoping to find the right pet. She wonders around for a while and she stumbles on to this big ass parrot in this huge cage.

She checks it out for a minute and notices that the parrot has two strings hanging down. On the right foot is a red string and on the left foot is a yellow string. She calls the pet shop manager over and asks him what the strings mean.

He say's, "Well madam, if you pull the red string he will sing a hymn and if you pull the yellow string he will say a prayer."

So the woman thinks out loud, "What would happen if I pulled both strings at the same time?"

The parrots eyes got real big and he looked at her and screamed out, "I'd fall on my ass you silly bitch!"

[Angeleyes]

LMAO Kudos for all. I needed that this morning.

[gigman]

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too.

Don't laugh....

It is all true...

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60!

1.Kidnappers are not very Interested in you.
2.In a hostage situation you Are likely to be released first.
3.No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4.People call at 9 PM and ask, Did I wake you.
5.People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6.There is nothing left to learn The hard way.
7.Things you buy now won't Wear out.
8.You can eat supper at 4 PM.
9.You can live without sex but Not your Glasses.
10.You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11.You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12.You quit trying to hold your Stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13.You sing along with elevator Music.
14.Your eyes won't get much Worse.
15. Your investment in health Insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16.Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17.Your secrets are safe with Your friends because they can't remember them either.
18.Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19.You can't remember who.
20.Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative ,On the same night.

[StoneTheCrow]

Good one gig,I qualify for a few of those and I'm only in my thirties.

[Amadeus]

One morning, Dr. Smith has patients and he feels terribly guilty about it all day long. no matter how much he tries not to think about it, he can't get it out of his mind. At times, it seems like his feelings of guilt and betrayal will overwhelm him. But every now and then her hears a calming voice within, trying to soothe and reassure him. The voice says, "Doctor, you're making too much of this. You're not the only doctor to have sex with one of his patients, and you certainly won't be the last. You're single. You're free to do what you want. Relax. Don't worry about it.

Then that other voice always chimes in, bringing him back to reality..."But Doctor, you're a veterinarian."

[Stormcrow]

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam,

'Is this a union house?'

'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry
it isn't.'

'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls
get?'

'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded,

'Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules.'

The man asked,
'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'

'The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.'

'That's more like it!' the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a
stunningly attractive green-eyed blond.

'I'd like her,' he said.

'I'm sure you would, sir,' said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year
old woman in the corner, 'but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'

[Deems]

THE ITALIAN SECRET FOR A LONG MARRIAGE

At St. Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husbands
marriage seminar. At the session last week, the priest
asked Giuseppe,who was approaching his 50th wedding
anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight
into how he had managed to stay married to the
same woman all these years..

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of alla is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th
anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing
inspiration to all the husbands here!

Please tell us what you are planning for your
wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, 'I'm agonna go get her.'

[gigman]

Now that all the black people are in Washington for the inauguration, let's go into their houses and steal our stuff back.

[Deems]

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16
work boots.




2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo
Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4 Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bubba,

Big'un, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer.
Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the
mailman this morning
and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was
hard to tell from all the
blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait
outside.

Cooter

[The Goddess]

Funny Jokes. I enjoyed most of them. Kudos and credits to those that made me laugh!